NEW HAMPSHIRE: Art & Arrival

A community celebration that centered me.

Listen to the poem by Jo. or read below. This post discusses incest abuse. If you’re a survivor or supporter seeking resources, head over to Incest AWARE or Sibling Sexual Trauma.

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Many say, “Life is about the journey, 

not the destination.”

But I disagree.

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When the days are 

masked in silence 

And the nights filled with 

serial sexual violence, 

Life becomes all about 

The destination: 

The need to be safe.

The desire to be free.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was 18

My body started shutting down,

but the reason why

Remained a mystery.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who could I be?

If when I was only 22,

I could hardly move.

The weight

Of depression

And anxiety

Consuming me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then finally at 24,

The reasons resurfaced:

Memories of childhood 

Incest and illness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sexual violence,

Seizures, 

Surgeries.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My short life so far had

Been so unsafe for me

That my body, brain, and being

Hid my own story

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then sought desperately 

For either an end

Or a new beginning

To my journey.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I disclosed 

The instances of incest

To my family, I lost

Everything and everyone

Dear to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From financial security,

To family and identity,

To community and safety,

To comprehension of

Everything I knew

To be good and holy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, I chose to do 

what so many others 

Have done before me.

I survived.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I pulled my body 

Through the fatigue

To earn a living.

I paid, mostly out of pocket, 

To rewire my brain

And retrain my body

In years of therapy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I rebuilt my family through friends,

And my community through activism,

And my home through exploration,

And my economy through hustle, 

Then rest and reciprocity.

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Recently,

I realized that I 

May have arrived.

Finally found that destination 

That had been calling 

Me to be free

All this time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A new beginning

With a safe base

And a clear place

Of belonging to me

And a community so

Alive with meaning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But I wanted 

A cookie,

Or a trophy,

Or a card,

Or a party.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wanted someone

At the end of this

Long and perilous 

Journey.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Like parents

Who honor

Their kids

At the conclusion 

Of a sports game

By holding each other’s

Hands above their heads

Forming a tunnel

And letting

Those little ones

Run through them

In celebration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At my destination,

I felt so alone

And in such deep grief

That no one was there

Waiting for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then Nubia Duvall Wilson,

A fellow incest survivor,

An Incest AWARE Alliance member,

And a former participant of the Ablomb Portrait Project,

Encouraged me to reach

Toward Danielle.

And Danielle reached back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then she told me 

To start a vision board on Pinterest,

And to choose an inspiring artist,

And to ground myself in a place of meaning,

And to be a part of a community of belonging.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wanted a cookie.

Or a trophy

Or a tunnel of arms.

Or a card.

Or a party.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Instead, Danielle painted a portrait of me.

Standing free, staring at the past,

Through the similes

Of the World Trade Center

Resurrected after violent hostility 

To the left,

And a statue of a woman’s face

Her hand to her lips silencing herself

To the right.

My past disappeared in the portrait,

While my future formed the 

Backdrop as a bridge

To New York City:

The place I now call home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But not only did Danielle

Paint me a portrait of myself.

She threw us a gala.

So that together

We could grieve that life should

Have always been about the journey.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And to begin again

In a celebration 

With art that holds memory,

A present that starts in safety,

And a future that belongs

To the intimacy of our

Community.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We, thank you, 

Danielle, and her family, and her team, 

And this community, for being both

The end and the beginning

Of our journeys. 

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I wrote this piece and read it at the Ablomb Project’s Gala when I received this beautiful portrait of me, painted by Danielle Festa. Other Incest AWARE Alliance activists, Donna Jenson and Shirkydra Roberts, stood by my side.

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